As the old saying goes, we can choose our friends but not our relatives, so it’s no wonder that people thrown together by birth or marriage will experience conflict. In fact, the kinds of issues families most frequently fight about are surprisingly common. Below we’ve listed the top five causes of family disputes, with tips for how to manage them and maintain family harmony.

1. Different parenting styles

Psychologist Cassandra Dunn says “It’s the most important job in the world and most people have clear ideas about the kind of parents they want to be (or don’t want to be). In an ideal world, parents would always be on the same page, but in reality that isn’t always the case. Because we are so emotionally invested in our kids, conflicts around parenting can quickly become heated.”

Tip: Slight differences in parenting styles are not going to harm a child and it’s normal for a child to have a different, unique relationship with each parent and even some different ‘rules’. Try not to undermine your co-parent in front of your child and always have parenting discussions out of earshot.

2. Power struggles between parents and children

As parents we want to protect our children and keep them safe. Our children on the other hand, have an instinctive need to explore the world and experience personal freedom. When children assert their independence, parents often fight to maintain their authority causing communication to break down and leaving both parties feeling disrespected and misunderstood.  

Tip: Try to contain your own discomfort and respect your child’s need for independence. Decide what is not negotiable, for example a fixed curfew or always having dinner together. Remember the long-term goal is to raise self-sufficient adults who can think for themselves even if they don’t always agree with you.

Sibling rivalry can cause tension in a family

3. Sibling rivalry

Throughout childhood, siblings will compete, whether for toys or their parents’ attention. If one child has special needs or a more demanding temperament, this can make things even worse. Siblings fighting can be very stressful for parents who feel they can’t win, so they leave children to sort it out for themselves, causing children to feel even more frustrated and let down.

Tip: Try to carve out individual time with each child on a regular basis. Be prepared to listen to their feelings without judgement. Let go of any expectations you might have about your children being best friends. Maybe one day they will be but they also might never really get along.

4. Dealing with in-laws

It may be a cliché but in-law relationships can be treacherous to navigate. When we marry someone we expect to come first in their loyalties. If we get into conflict with our partner’s parent, sometimes that loyalty isn’t forthcoming and support is offered to the parent instead. This places enormous strain on relationships both between spouses and their extended families.

Tip: Try to find common ground with your in-laws, whether it’s the wellbeing of children/grandchildren or your shared love for your partner. By focusing on what you have in common, you build feelings of camaraderie and trust, which makes for a better starting point for negotiation than being locked into battle over what you can’t yet agree on. Try to appreciate the difficult position your partner is in and don’t ask them to take sides.

5. Grandparent interference

Grandparents can play a wonderful, unique role in families but conflicts can arise when they overstep their boundaries, undermine parents or offer unsolicited advice. If the grandparent in question is an in-law, the situation becomes even more volatile.

Tip: Even if they drive you crazy, try to honour the important role grandparents play in your children’s lives. Be clear about your expectations to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings and try to be generous in your assumptions rather than always jumping to negative conclusions about their motivations or intentions.

If you’re experiencing difficulties with your family and think you or a family member could benefit from family counselling, contact a counsellor today.