Relationships are hard and take a lot of work, and that’s just in the good times. When times are tough and the pressures of modern life pile up, it’s no surprise that so many relationships reach breaking point.

It’s hard to admit that we’re having difficulties. Sometimes it’s easier to sweep concerns under the carpet, or pretend that it’s just a "phase", and that things will work themselves out. Maybe a situation has become so entrenched that it feels like the new normal.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Relationship counsellors are there to help. They are trained professionals who can help you and your partner talk openly about your relationship – and talk through the anger, frustration, fear and sadness that relationship difficulties bring.

If you’re not sure about when, or if, your relationship needs help, here are some of the trigger points to watch out for, so you know when to call a professional.

Communication

Many relationship difficulties simply come down to a problem with communication. It can be hard to get it going again once it has deteriorated, so a counsellor or therapist can help you get it back on track.

Negative communication

Sometimes it’s as much what you’re saying as how you are saying it. Negative communication can lead to a partner feeling shamed, disregarded, insecure, unconfident and judged. It can easily lead to emotional abuse as well.

Fears

Fear is a good indicator that there are serious problems, and whether you are too frightened to discuss money, sex or even the annoying way they leave the toilet seat up , you know that it’s time to calm things down a notch. A therapist can help you work through these feelings and address the underlying issues that are causing the situation in the first place.

Withholding affection

Have you given the silent treatment to your partner? Getting angry and then withholding affection is a way of holding the other in your power. When someone is a "punisher" in this way it points to a power imbalance in the relationship and is unhealthy.

Are you on the same team?

Do you feel like instead of playing on the same team, you are constantly working against each other? Especially when there are children involved, this can become destructive, when, instead of working towards a common future, you feel like you have to act in your own best interests.

Keeping secrets

There’s a difference between personal privacy and keeping secrets. If you are keeping things from each other, there is something wrong in your relationship.

Having an affair

Even fantasizing about an affair can point to difficulties in your relationship – it indicates that you desire something different to what you have. Trying to salvage a relationship after one partner has had an affair can be incredibly difficult, but it is possible, if you are both committed to honesty, and the counselling process.

Financially controlling

Having one partner control the purse strings can be incredibly destructive, as it indicates an unhealthy power play. It’s also worrisome when someone keeps their partner in the dark about the family finances. Openness about money is as important as every other aspect of a relationship.

Waiting for your partner to change

If you think that waiting for your partner to change will fix everything, you will be waiting a long time. You can only change yourself. A counsellor can help you change your expectations of your partner, and help you to accept your partner for what they are.

Leading separate lives

Do you feel more like you are living separate lives than a functioning couple? While you don’t need to live in each other’s pockets, it is important to feel bonded together. If you find yourself co-existing with your partner, and your communication, conversation and intimacy are suffering, you need to seek out help.

Your sex life has changed

This is to be expected for most couples, especially after you’ve been together for a while. But it’s important that you are in sync with each other’s needs. If one partner is frustrated by the direction that significant changes have taken, it’s time to seek advice.

Hostility

Every couple argues, some argue often, some only occasionally. But when you start to argue constantly over seemingly little things – perhaps they don’t like the way you stack the dishwasher, or they never pick up their clothes from the floor then it’s worth seeking help. It’s possible that there is some underlying cause that’s creating the hostile environment.

Ongoing issues

Some people start a relationship with fundamentally different points of view. Whether it’s the way you want to bring up your kids, attitudes towards money or differing sex drives. These issues can become major sticking points, and create serious conflict. A therapist can help you resolve these differences and help you come to a place of recognition and appreciation.

Getting help

With nearly 1000 relationship counsellors listed from around Australia, Yellow Pages can help you find a relationship counsellor in your local area. With studies suggesting that up to 70% of couples felt that their relationship improved as a result of counselling, it is well worth seeking out advice before it is too late.