Sometimes, the very tools used to repair a relationship – like talking and intimacy – are simply out of the question.

At these times, having a third person in the relationship – in the form of a marriage or couples counsellor – can break the icy deadlock and get your relationship flowing smoothly again.

Your first visit to a counsellor

When there is friction between a you and your partner and you’ve decided to engage a relationship counsellor to help, the first thing you have to decide is whether or not you can be comfortable with him or her.

The initial meeting is important to establish familiarity and instil confidence in both you and your partner that the counsellor you have chosen will be able to help.

After your first meeting, you and your partner should discuss how you feel about the counsellor. It’s crucial that you are both happy with them.  If not, you risk your chances of a successful outcome. 

The goal of counselling

Couples counselling is not just about discussing issues that are causing friction in the relationship. More importantly, its about learning new skills to better understand each other, communicate more effectively, and overcome future relationship difficulties.

In your sessions with your counsellor you’ll be given a set of tools to help you maintain your relationship. You’ll learn to recognise negative patterns that cause conflict and to work together as a team to deal with these situations in positive ways.

You’ll also be given tasks to complete between counselling sessions to put into practice your new-found skills. These skills might include: problem solving, effective communication and strategies designed to overcome negative patterns of interacting.

Questions you might have

• How many sessions?

In some cases a couple is ready to work on their own after two or three sessions; in other cases counselling may be useful on a long term basis;

• Will a counsellor be biased against someone from the opposite sex?

A properly qualified counsellor understands the potential differences of opinion based on gender;

• Can I come by myself?

Sometimes it can help to start individually, especially where trauma or grief has affected a relationship;

• What if my partner won’t come?

Start by yourself, and work on how best to encourage your partner to visit with you.

If two people have been in love, and shared a relationship, they can learn to support each other through making necessary changes to their relationship. For this reason, couple counselling often needs fewer sessions than one-to-one counselling, and the end result can be a more secure relationship for the whole family to enjoy.

To find a relationship counsellor in your neighbourhood, visit the Yellow Pages.